Do you ever feel stuck in a loop of the same old responses to stressful events or relationship dynamics?  Do you ever face regrets after you have a stronger reaction than a situation might warrant, and are left with a feeling of shame or embarrassment? Do you find yourself wanting to be braver and more assertive, but instead are left with frustration at yourself for shutting down when you have something valuable to share or know you want to stand up for yourself?  

If you wish you could handle stressful scenarios differently, but still find yourself impulsively reacting, running, or just shrinking yourself when you want to be speaking up, you are NOT alone.  And if your life feels a bit out of your control, just a series of events that happen TO you, it’s understandable to feel a bit defeated and disempowered.    

Well, there is a reason for this frustrating but ever so common phenomenon, and there is also hope for taking control back of your life and your emotional world. But first, we need to understand the connection between the painful memories of the past and the once adaptive but now limiting behavioral patterns still playing out today.   

Understanding the Impact of Early Life Experiences 

We humans are incredibly complex, with environmental stressors that continuously throw curveballs our way, from as far back as in utero. Our brains and bodies are designed to work together to help us not simply survive, but function optimally. When early life experiences, especially repeated ones, impede our ability to feel safe, whether physically, emotionally, or both, it forces our small, vulnerable bodies and brains into survival mode to protect us from further harm.  It’s a natural human response to pain. What often happens, especially with repeated emotional or physical trauma, is that survival response and other intense attached painful emotions connected to these memories can stay on and activated long after the real or perceived threat is no longer present.   

As humans, we have two very innate, core needs. Safety and Connection. Cultivating healthy connections and attachments with others, in particular those formative early relationships with primary caregivers, is essential to our healthy growth and development as an infant and throughout childhood.    

The Limbic System: Your Brain’s Survival and Connection Center 

We have a part of our brain connected strongly with our nervous system called the Limbic System. The Limbic System’s primary function is to BOTH keep us safe and alive, as well as in connection with others (love, safety, and emotional security), which is how our attachment styles develop over time, starting with our connections to primary caregivers. There is a delicate balance between these two needs, and when the infant or child feels generally safe and connected in their early environment, it results in healthy, securely attached adult relationships. But when early attachment experiences are emotionally damaging or the child experiences a real or perceived threat to their safety, the young brain can’t make sense of this and goes into survival mode. The Limbic System starts working on overdrive. The little nervous system comes up with the best solution it can to the big problem at hand, which is how to: 

Most people can relate to having experienced at least a few hurtful and/or damaging experiences in childhood, and the invisible scars that can be left. These memories might not even be part of our conscious awareness, but more implicit, which means we might not remember them. Despite that, they have imprinted on our brain and the intense emotions only surface when we are presented with a scenario that reminds our brain of that past wounding. This is because this emotional trauma is stuck in the Limbic System. Another unique element of the Limbic System is that it can’t tell the past from the present and so it feels like the original wounding experience is happening all over again. So often, the result is an intense surge of emotion and then your body and brain’s “solution”, or whatever adaptive response was cultivated by early life experiences.   

The same goes for physical trauma. As children, when someone (ESPECIALLY a primary caregiver or trusted adult whose job it is to keep us BOTH safe and loved) violates our physical/personal boundaries and causes us harm, it is incredibly damaging because we experience the opposite of love and safety. We feel threatened and it’s often a repeated pattern. But it’s also confusing because, remember, we are hard-wired for BOTH survival and connection. When our safety is threatened by the very people that should be loving and protecting us from harm as vulnerable children, this can create both deep emotional scars and manifest later in life with complex symptoms, both physical and psychological. The body truly does “keep the score”. For a better understanding of Polyvagal theory and how traumatic stress impacts the body, the book “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel Van Der Kolk is a helpful resource.   

It’s very easy to brush off things that we experienced long ago as completely irrelevant to our mood or reactions today. However, over time they can have a profound impact on how we cope and interact with others. Because this happens outside of our conscious awareness, it can feel like we simply don’t have control over our reactions and behaviors at times but can’t understand why and can’t make the shifts we know we want to.   

When you think about what you struggle with the most in your daily life, it might present in a myriad of different ways. You might feel:  

• Avoiding conflict at all costs out of fear that you will be dismissed or abandoned  

• Like you’re just “going through the motions” of life  

• Not enjoying once fun activities the way you used to   

• Struggling with frequent worrisome thoughts, or stress responses that manifest in physical symptoms (stomach aches, tension or chronic pain, autoimmune conditions)  

• Not feeling like you are in the driver’s seat of your own life, or allowing others to dictate your choices  

• Finding yourself giving way more to others than you are receiving in return  

You may not realize it at the moment. You may have an unsettled feeling, resentment, anxiety, or anger days later and not know why. Some part of you knows it doesn’t feel good and you want more from your life and relationships but it’s also comfortable to stay with the status quo. I can relate, I’ve been there myself!  And this is where EMDR therapy comes in. Let there be HOPE!  

EMDR: A Pathway to Emotional Freedom and Resilience 

EMDR is a comprehensive therapeutic approach clinically proven to alleviate the distressful thoughts, feelings, and beliefs connected to traumatic memories, through the understanding of how the brain maladaptively stores and processes early experiences. It has been proven effective in multiple clinical trials with people who have experienced both:  

Acute Trauma: (car accident, witnessing the sudden death of a loved one, traumatic birth experience, rape or other one-time physical assault)   

Complex trauma: (relational, attachment-based trauma such as childhood emotional, physical, or psychological abuse, neglect, incest, domestic violence or addiction/codependency in family of origin)   

EMDR works with the Limbic System to assist the brain in shifting implicit, painful, or otherwise negatively charged memories from the survival part of the brain to the adaptive part of the brain.   

It works because it utilizes our brains’ own innate capacity for change through:  

• Assessing how early memories impact you in the present moment  

• Clarifying how those early memories are organized in the brain in this moment  

• Examines how past experiences are manifested today  

• Creates a treatment map that predicts possible obstacles as well as the outcome  

• Utilizing “resourcing”, or specific sensory and guided imagery exercises, practicing first in session and identifying the most helpful ones for any feelings of overwhelm that might arise outside of session. My personal favorite is the container exercise:  

Reclaiming Control: From Living in Fear to Living Mindfully 

As it happens, I was traveling and hiking in Colorado last month. Hiking is one of my favorite things, and as I reflected on the impact of fears and other real or perceived threats, I realized only after I started hiking that I was in rattlesnake country. I have always been terrified of snakes, for as long as I can remember. The scales, the slithering around without legs, the risk of getting bit and possible hospitalization, all the things! As I saw a sign warning me of this venomous threat to both humans and dogs on the trail, I thought to myself that I wasn’t going to allow this fear to plague the forefront of my mind because I truly love the experience of hiking and connecting with nature this way; it’s on a trail or in the water where I feel the most mindfully present and calm. I wasn’t going to allow the fear of coming face to face with or hearing that foreboding rattle take away from my mindful experience!     

Well, as fate would have it, I had to face my fears head-on as I came across a woman on the trail who had a 23-year-old pet bull python named Seneca. I learned all about Seneca and the woman’s story in amazement as I kept a close eye on this docile creature that she wore as a necklace as she walked. I noticed mixed expressions of shock, terror, awe, and curiosity on other hikers. People walked past and just had to stop her and ask questions about Seneca. And we hiked together, I leaned more into the discomfort of walking next to a snake, breathed, and reminded myself that I was safe. The intensity of the fear and anxiety slowly lessened. And right before we parted ways, I even pushed myself to touch the snake, which still gave me chills but for me was a huge step!   

Afterward, I reflected more on the synchronicities of our talk and brief but unforgettable time together; the fact that although she lived in that very small mountain town, she was from the same city I’m originally from. I thought about her disclosure of experiencing trauma as a child, and vulnerably sharing that she’s struggled with mental health issues throughout her life, and that Seneca, her pet snake who has been family to her, has helped her overcome her fears around connecting and communicating with people because people will naturally just come to her. She’s been able to use Seneca as that bridge to safe connection. Above all, she’s been able to give back to her community (and to me during that hike) by helping people of all ages overcome their fear of snakes by providing basic education on which ones to watch out for, and by natural exposure therapy with Seneca around her neck. And I can honestly say, I felt more at peace and certainly less afraid of snakes after that walk, and still do.  

Ultimately, EMDR is not just a treatment approach that is proven effective for shifting traumatic memories and attached limiting perceptions, beliefs, and stuck emotions. More importantly, EMDR is a unique opportunity to be free from the burdens of the past. My friend on the trail understood those burdens all too well and found her own way to bridge the gap between safety and connection, through her beloved pet snake Seneca. Her story and her personal resilience are truly inspiring.  

EMDR releases stuck distressing emotions, improves mindfulness, builds resilience, and ultimately allows those who are struggling to take back control of their life. I hope to have the honor and privilege of walking alongside you on your EMDR journey. If you believe EMDR could be the right fit for you, please reach out and schedule a free phone consultation with me today. Your future unburdened self will thank you! 

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